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Apr. 14th, 2011

Well, I have about 4 more days until I'm officially out of the 1st trimester. Since my last post, I've been to see the OB again, had an appointment with the High Risk specialist and also was sent to see a diabetic dietitian. I had to get fluid taken out of my band, which has pros and cons. I'm so worried about the weight gain, but I honestly don't think I have gained anything. My last visit to the OB he was a little concerned because I lost 4 lbs from my previous visit. He said he would have expected it if I was having morning sickness, but... I have yet to have that. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty happy I haven't had to deal with that, but his biggest concern was that I wasn't getting enough calories to sustain myself and the baby. The baby will take the calories however it wants, but I might not be left with much to give me any energy. Which is exactly what was going on the past few weeks. So, I had them take fluid out, and I cannot express to you how much energy I had this past weekend. I went from getting completely exhausted by unpacking 1 box, to cleaning the whole house, and unpacking for the majority of the day. I did that on Saturday and Sunday. It was WONDERFUL.

The HR specialist asked me to see this diabetic specialist to talk about foods and what-not. So, Jim and I went there yesterday, and I'm not really impressed with her. At all. First, I've been diabetic for the past 5 years, so I know about sugar levels, taking my blood sugar, etc. I know all about carbs and what I should and should not be eating. However, this did not stop her from treating me like a 3 year old that has just been informed of my illness. She went from making me read a nutrition label (yes! "Can you tell me how large a serving is here?" , "GREAT! Now, how many CARBS does ONE serving have?") to showing me how to "properly" take my blood sugar. She has me on this crazy diet, that honestly makes me feel like I ate more with the fluid in my band. I am eating 6 times a day, but it's seriously hardly anything.

Breakfast: 1 carb serving & 1 protein serving
AM Snack: 1 carb serving & 1 protein serving
Lunch: 3 carb servings & 3 protein servings
PM Snack: 2 carb servings & 1 protein serving
Dinner: 4 carb servings & 3 protein servings
Bedtime Snack: 1 carb serving & 1 protein serving

For lunch & dinner, I can throw in some veggies, but damn. 1 carb serving is ONE piece of bread. So for breakfast, I get a piece of toast with some peanut butter. On the weekends, when I actually have time to make a breakfast, I will be graced with eggs.. or ONE egg rather. It's funny, because since the band, normally a piece of toast would have been great - but now that most of the fluid is out... I'm SO FREAKIN HUNGRY. I was close to tears today because my stomach was literally in pain from being hungry. I ate my breakfast, had my AM snack, and then between the snack and lunch I lost it. I tried drinking water, I tried not thinking about food, but my stomach was in serious pain. That is one of the huge cons to getting the fluid out. I haven't felt hunger like that for over a year.

Anyway, so this diabetic person. She gives me a new tester, which whatever. And tells me that they will be calling in Rx's for me. Have they done that? NO!  I was there yesterday, and nothing, today nothing as well. So I text her and she says she will let me know... and I've heard NOTHING. So, Jim is out buying me more test strips for my other tester, since it's a generic and I'm not about to pay over the counter prices for those strips. I'm not too impressed with her. She's sitting there telling me all this bad stuff about high blood sugar, and honestly, I don't think my blood sugar is that bad. In fact according to the freaking national diabetic website thing, my sugars are right where I want them. There are of course times when it's a little high, but I'm talking little. Like, it should be 130, and I'm 133. Stuff like that. I go back to see her next week, along with ALLLLLLLL the rest of the doctors. (Which of course NONE of them can see me on the same day that I already have with one of the others so I have 4 different appointments on everyday of the week except Friday.) We shall see how well she does, and if she pisses me off too much I'm going to say forget it and either go see someone else or just deal with my normal doctor.

Briana has been getting better. She still hasn't been over to the house, but whatever. Shannon has been over every weekend, on Friday and Saturday and she's been helping me unpack, which was a godsend those first few weeks because I had hardly any energy. I'm glad she is getting better, but she's still a little different. I can't quite put my finger on it.

I've been thinking a lot about Leah lately. I'm not really sure why. I'm guessing it's my hormones and all that, but for whatever reason I've been missing her. And I have missed her over the years, but I dunno. I'm probably too stubborn to let go of the past. And it might be a stupid reason to throw away a friendship, but she hurt me and then didn't even really want to find out why I was upset/hurt. Didn't even ask. Gah. I'm getting too emotional.


Had my 2nd appointment on Tuesday, we got to see the heartbeat and see the baby which was very exciting. We were given a couple of pictures, which my mother made me send to her.

I did do a little freak out because the doctor did a vaginal ultrasound, and failed to inform me that I would bleed a little afterwards. It wasn't directly after, so that is what caused such a stir for me. I bled a little the following day, and it stopped that night. After seeing the blood, I checked online and found that it was completely normal so that eased my worry a bit.

I can't help but be paranoid. With the whole "high risk" thing floating around, I'm all freaked out about it. I'm mostly concerned with the health of the baby. I mean, I really really want a girl. But, I want even more for the baby to just be healthy. I'm scared that because I'm 34 and have all these health problems myself, that I will pass them on to my child. Plus, I'm so worried because this is the longest pregnancy I've ever had. I mean, when I was like 18 I took a test and it came out positive and then like 2 weeks later I got my period. Which, from what I've read, is not uncommon for your body to go through the motions of starting to conceive, and then for whatever reason it just not happening. It just makes one think about the whole thing. Why is it that I never got pregnant before? It's not like Jim and I were using anything to prevent that. It's not like I haven't had many other boyfriends where we were preventing that from happening. I dunno, it's just a little scary to me. One day at  a time, that is all I can do.

We are moving into a beautiful 2 story home. Which happens to be going on next weekend. New house, new baby, new marriage, well newly married I guess I should say.

Shannon and Jim won't let me do much of anything but sit on my ass and watch everyone else work. Which, is hard for me to do. I hate seeing everyone else work, and me just sitting here like a lazy ass. But, I guess I should enjoy it as well, huh?

Shannon is being so wonderful. She asks me everyday how I'm doing, and wants me to call her right after I go to the OB's. Briana... well that is another story. I'm not sure if she is jealous or if it's something else. She just has the lapband surgery in November, and she has lost just as much weight as I have. (Which I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous about.) But, Jim keeps pointing out that she has more weight to lose that I do, and that it comes off fast in the beginning and then kinda flatlines out. Which I get, I just get annoyed cause she has lost 50 lbs in 4 months and here it's taken me a year to lose that. And NOW I'll be gaining back about 20 of those lbs because of the baby. Which, is an emotional thing in itself. I want the baby, I just don't want the weight gain. I think I will be ok as long as I don't gain anymore than 30 lbs. Anything more than that, and you might find me in the fetal position on the floor crying and rocking myself. And, I don't think I would care if it was more than 30 lbs if I'd lost like 80 or so. gah.

But, back to Briana. So, she is supposed to be my best friend, and she doesn't ask how I'm feeling, or how any appointments go, or when the next one is. I get it, she wants a baby too, and there is probably jealousy there, but come on, it's not like I planned it. I mean, I'm jealous of her still losing weight, but I still encourage her on her weight loss. I still ask how she is feeling, and make sure she is doing ok with cravings and all that.

They also want us to wait 12 - 18 months after you have had the surgery before getting pregnant. Which makes sense to me, it's too much stress on your body, plus the first 12 months you are going through rapid weight loss, which is not good for a growing baby. When I had the surgery, one of my co-workers was over my desk about 3 months after grilling me about when Jim & I were going to start trying to have a baby. Briana jumps in the convo and goes on and on about how it wouldn't be  good for me, for the baby, and I should wait, etc, etc. Well.... no sooner do I find out I'm pregnant (btw, it was 1 year in Jan from my surgery date, so I waited the minimum amount of time) Briana tells me that she is late. Well, she is late because she stopped taking her birth control pills. She stopped taking those so she and her husband can start trying to get pregnant. WTF? It hasn't even been 6 months since her surgery.

I know it makes me sound selfish, but I just can't help it. If she gets pregnant while I'm still carrying this child, I'm not going to be happy. Which is mean and horrible and not nice, but with everything that is going on with her I can't help but feel that way. Every time I bring up the baby, she says something like, "OMG! Look how big these pants are on me! They can just FALL right off me!" Which at first I joked with her, and we talked about in-between sizes, but now I say "Maybe you should buy new pants." How many times do I have to hear that before you do something about it? And then, to make me feel even BETTER about myself, I said something about how my pants are tighter on me now, and she tells me that she still has my pants that I gave her, and since they won't be fitting her, that I can have them back. (The pants that I wore pre-surgery.) I thought that was hurtful.

Maybe I am just hormonal.

My first appointment was yesterday. We didn't actually get to see the baby, which was a bit heart breaking. The doc gave me my pap smear, and did a vaginal ultra sound. That was just weird. There was a cyst on my ovary, which he explained was normal for the 1st trimester. However, he wasn't sure if what he was seeing was the baby. He thought that he saw it, but it was just too small to tell at this point, which makes him believe that I'm not quite as far along as they thought I was. We were going based on my last period, which was the 17th of Jan. But, he said if actual conception was a few days later (Jim and I are thinking more along the lines of my birthday) then we wouldn't be able to see it just yet. Sooooo I go back again next Monday. He said if he doesn't see anything next week, then he will be concerned, but as of right now he is happy.

He's going to send me to a High Risk Specialist, but we won't start that until after we see the baby.

I had a bit of a scare last night. After my pap, he told me I might see a bit of spotting and that it's natural and all that. Well, I went to the bathroom after, and didn't see anything. This was comforting. We went to the movies, and when we came home, I went to the bathroom and saw much more blood than what I would consider "spotting". To me, spotting is me wiping and seeing just a dab of blood. So, I was a bit concerned, but after some research online, and talking with Shannon and Jim about it, I relaxed and felt better. Apparently spotting is more of a light flow, which is what I had. I'm not spotting anymore, at least not since I woke up this morning. But, from what I read online I might spot a little today as well. Hopefully not, it was a bit scary seeing blood in that area at this stage. I'd imagine it would be even scarier if I was a bit further along. I just have to remember to take it one day at a time.

Feb. 27th, 2011

I had my first wave of nausea today. It wasn't too unbearable, just a little bit of nausea. Sore boobs suck ass. I'm fine as long as a bra is on, but the second the bra comes off at night to go to bed, it's agony. Gravity pulls them down and it's not pleasant. I've been comparing it to just after the surgery, when my stomach was having the same issue.

I've still not told many people. Just a select few. Jim and I are trying to decide when it's going to be best to tell Evan. I'm thinking once I'm out of the "high risk" waters and in the clear. I don't want to get him excited/upset/worried/whatever at the chance of having a baby brother/sister and then have me miscarry. That is a conversation I'm not ready to have with a 7 year old. I'm also worried about his reaction about the whole thing. Is he going to be upset? He said he really wants a baby sister, but what he says and does are 2 different things. I told Jim that we will need to give him extra hugs and kisses and make sure we tell him we love him more often. I don't want him thinking this baby is a replacement, or that we love the baby more than we love him.

My first appointment is tomorrow, and I'm going alone. Evan doesn't have school, and I'm not ready for him to go with us to the doc's since I know he will be asking a ton of questions. Questions I won't know how to answer, since I'm not ready for him to know yet.

I'm starting to feel excited. A little. But, not really? It's weird. I'm not sure if I'm not as excited as I should be because I'm worried about the "high risk" thing, or for other reasons. My life is about to change drastically, and I'm not saying I don't want it, but I just think it will be a bit of a shock at first.

I'm such a stress magnet. And I need to not, but it's not anything abnormal for me. I'm normally a ball of stress, so I think I should be ok. Gah! One day at a time! 

I'm pregnant. About 5 weeks. And, I can't talk to anyone about it. I've told a few, but because I'm a "high risk" the doctor tells me to not start celebrating just yet. High risk has such a scary ring to it. It's worrysome. I told my mom, and she is so happy she was yelling and screaming on the phone. I'm just wondering how upset she will be if I don't get through the 1st trimester. First OBGYN is on Monday, and hopefully they can shed some light and let me be excited about the whole thing. I'm thinking I'm about 5 weeks along, which puts the date of conception on my birthday, which is a little funny to me. How am I supposed to be quiet about it? How can I possibly stop myself from talking about one of the most exciting, life changing, wonderful things that has happened to me?

This is the first time I've logged into LJ in quite some time. I know that makes me horrible and all that, but I guess life just happened to me. Logging in, I realized that Leah finally de-friended me. I knew it would come sooner or later, and yanno, there are times when I miss her. And then I remember... and the missing stops. Such is life I suppose. A baby. I never thought I would see the day that I would actually WANT a child, let alone actually be pregnant. I know, everyone will tell me it will be a wonderful experience and I will be fantastic, etc, etc. And all I can think about is how am I going to be able to fuck this one up? I also know that people will tell me how every parent messes up, I think it's part of the parenting job to screw up your kids somehow. I'm just a little concerned with how MUCH I can screw them up.

We are also moving into a house. Hopefully we will have the keys tomorrow. I've taken 5 tests. Just to be sure. They all say positive, but you can't be too cautious. I have more tests to take, Jim says I'm being just a tad paranoid. But, that high risk thing has me a little freaked out. I'm thinking that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and the test is going to say negative. And then the baby will just not be there anymore. High risk....


$15 to rename my account? That's a bit much LJ. Why not just open a new account for free? It's $20 a year for the service, but $15 to change my name? Cause I'm sure all that coding that has to be done is really time consuming. :|

Starting Over

I've made a decision regarding this journal. I'm keeping it. However, the majority of my posts will be regarding sex.

When I say sex, I'm talking GRAPHIC sexual information.

Because of the this, this journal is.....

Friends Only

Please comment to be added.

I'll apologize up front, I've removed everyone from my friends list because the posts might be something that some may not want to see.

Before you comment, please realize that some most sexual situations might not be your typical roll in the hay. If you are not into 'kink' this might not be the appropriate read for you. Please have an open mind.


♀Ivana Humpalot♂

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April 2011